The Naked City

There are eight million stories in the naked city -- if you remember the line from the old TV series -- and most of them are about concubines.

When Tiger Woods heard the Forbidden City had rooms for 3,000 concubines, he offered to buy it.

I’ve got a million Forbidden City jokes, but have been forbidden to tell them by Luana. I told her all my concubines thought my jokes were funny, but she didn’t laugh at that either.

On our first day in Beijing, we visited Tiananmen Square, (which is Chinese for big, ugly square) and the Forbidden City, which fronts on one side of the square. The best entertainment in the square is trying to identify the plainclothes police put there to immediately quell any demonstration, but the Forbidden City (FC) is magnificent.

It has some 20 courtyards, more than 8,000 rooms, and was used by 24 emperors, ending in 1911. To really get the best feeling for the place, you should rent “The Last Emperor” movie, which was filmed there and was the only movie to ever be allowed there by the Chinese government. It’s a generally true story. We watched it again on the ship before we arrived in China, which was a great refresher course on the history of the time.

You just walk through courtyard after courtyard, past building after building. Simple photographs don’t do the place justice, but we include some of ours anyway.

At Tiananmen, we also saw Mao’s mausoleum. Did someone mention Mao? Well that brings to mind a joke. (How’s that for a transition?) It’s a joke told by a history professor on board, who said Chinese people really laugh at the following -- if there are no plainclothes police around. It seems Chairman Mao got up one morning, went outside and said, “Good morning rising sun. You look wonderful today.” The sun replied, “Oh great Chairman Mao, my beauty pales beside your great leadership abilities. The Chinese people are so lucky to have you.” At noon, Chairman Mao went outside, looked up and said, “Good afternoon, sun. I really appreciate your warmth.” The sun replied, “My warmth is pitiful compared to the many benefits your great leadership and bravery bring to China, handsome Chairman Mao.” As the sun was setting, Mao went outside and said, “Oh sun, your sunset is glorious tonight.” The sun replied, “You are a dumb little bastard, and now that I’m in the West I don’t have to listen to your bull any longer.”